It was quite a shock to me the day I realised that my husband was the same height and colouring as my father at about the same age! Yes, there were differences, in appearance, but now when I looked I could see so many physical attributes that were so similar. In other ways he was very different but that is not the end of the story. He was very distant at times. Perhaps it was not being able to respond to me in ways that I wanted, or not being able to identify his emotions and share them with me. There were other ways that we just seemed not on the same page. Finally our relationship floundered, broke apart and ended in divorce. I had no awareness at that time of the power of my childhood heroes and my fantasy partner.
As I have reflected on that relationship I have been able to see more fully into it and how it was doomed to not be a happy one. The man I married had the looks that fitted, and something else more hidden that matched my relationship with my father. That was distance. I grew up for much of my childhood with my father not present. He was a soldier. He was away from home for long periods of time and even when he did come home there was a great distance. While I longed for a dad who would give me cuddles, tuck me up in bed at night, take me fun places and be there when I had an important question to ask, it was rarely fulfilled.
How does this relate to my choice of husband? Perfectly! He was emotionally distant. He could never share what he was feeling, he was never quite sure if he loved me. I know he did, but he was unsure and that played itself out within the relationship. I had married a version of my father hoping to make it different. Hoping to finally have the relationship I had wanted with my dad. What I discovered was that I had replicated my childhood experience. My child had been influencing my present seeking to find what she did not get. But the completion she wanted back in my past could not be done with another person.
So many of our relationships are tied to our past experiences. Somewhere therein lay our images of our fantasy: perfect partner, perfect boss, perfect employee, perfect friend and perfect children. We are set up to judge others we are in relationship with against these perfect models we hold within our energy. We are driven to be perfect ourselves: to match our perfect mother, perfect father, perfect hero, perfect lover. But have you ever examined what lies in these perfect images? Have you ever asked yourself why you seem to act in ways that do not match the perfect you? Why you keep repeating them? Why you keep demanding of your relationships more than what they give you? Why you distance yourself from some people and are drawn to others even if they seem to not be good for your wellbeing?
There are two primary relationship breaking points that are rarely spoken of as playing a part in the present time. The first is our point of separation from the fullness of the Divine Source that we are embodied in prior to conception and the journey towards birth. The second is our birth experience where we separate from the symbiotic relationship with our birth mother. When I have been with a client at a point when they remembered either of these moments, they have released deep tensions that have been within all of their relationships.
Awareness that the past is not really past, it expresses in the present. Being able to release these past moments at the point of first occurrence brings us shifts in who we are and how we create our relationships and our lives.